Chinese, month one

I didn't mean to disappear for so long. I wrote a post during my first week of Chinese, and then thought I'd wait a few days to see if I still felt the same way. Then the full force of the FSI Chinese program hit me! If I stop to blog, that's 30 minutes I am not studying...and I pretty much feel like I need to study all the time.

I knew learning Mandarin would be hard, but knowing that abstractly and experiencing the challenge are two different things. Oh my goodness, this is hard.

It's been a while since I learned a new language- 17 years in fact (how can that be!?). I started learning Spanish in 7th grade, so the last time I was studying at FSI, I was already quite comfortable with the language. I learned Hausa, a West African language, from zero when I was in Peace Corps Niger, and I remember that it was hard. Hausa has some interesting sounds which I learned to make in time, but the basic language is pretty easy to pronounce. In contrast, Mandarin pronunciation is so challenging. Even after 3 weeks, my pronunciation is stilted and wrong most of the time. My teachers make sounds I really can't reproduce. It is humbling.

When we learn a new vocabulary word, we have to learn the meaning (keeping in mind that many words/sounds have multiple meanings), how to pronounce it (which is counterintuitive to what I want to say when I look at it, and keeping in mind the 5 tones which change the meaning entirely), AND memorize the Chinese character(s) that represents it.

Oh, the characters.

We started out by learning pinyin, a standard system of romanized spelling of Chinese sounds that allows foreigners or non-Mandarin readers to read aloud, even if they don't know the meaning. So I guess I thought the teachers would really hold our hands and gently introduce us to reading characters. We had two "intro to reading" classes that I really resisted psychologically. It was so hard already that I really didn't feel like I could take on anymore. I missed out on some important basics of reading characters because I was so resistant to it.

But I really didn't have a choice, did I? I had to get with the program. So I learned the characters in our reading book, about 8 characters a night. The teachers didn't tell us we were supposed to be memorizing the characters from our textbook too (a good 20-30 per lesson). So the first time the teacher put up slides with only characters on them, I panicked. My classmates could read them, and I couldn't.

After an intense week cramming characters, I managed to kind of catch up to my classmates in terms of reading. I am really struggling with my memory- I can't remember certain characters, even after seeing them a hundred times. I am trying to employ all kinds of memory tricks, but they are not really working with this 40 year old brain of mine.

I admit I've already cried twice in class. But after one of my really bad days, an A-100 friend of mine who is three months ahead of me gave me a great pep talk. Since then, I've been trying to take his advice: a) look at what I can already say, rather than how much I can't, b) do as much as I can do, but don't kill myself for not doing more, c) don't compare myself to others- all that matters is my own progress, and c) learn more about memory and how to retain more of what I see.

This week, I feel ok. I did well on our first quiz, which was great for my confidence. I have my new Iphone, flashcards all set up, and a method to studying. That all helps.

Now, a little info on how my course is organized, for anyone who is interested. I have been allotted 36 weeks to reach the goal of a 2 in speaking (I think this means basic proficiency) and a 1 in reading (elementary proficiency). At the end of my training course, I will take a test, and if I don't pass, I must study for another month (and arrive late to post). Luckily, the Chinese department monitors our progress along the way and offers more help if someone is not progressing as she/he should. Still, in the end, each person is responsible for her/his own language achievement.

My 36 week cohort consists of 12 people (only one EFM, or spouse of an officer), 3 per class. We are on the late shift, which means we have class from 10:40am-12:40pm, and then again from 2:40pm-5:30pm. Lest you think I am sleeping until 10am, let me reassure you that actual Chinese class is only a part of the learning plan. We are expected to do at least 3 hours of outside homework and lab work to make up an 8 hour day, but I'm putting in at least 5 outside class (2-2.5 in the morning before class, 1-1.5 during lunch, and 2 more at home) for a daily total between 10-11 hours. And that is just to stay afloat, not race ahead. If I had more hours in the day, I could do much more.

This is one of those times when it is hard to balance my job with the rest of my life. On the one hand, I am loving this year. It is so cool that I am being paid to learn Chinese. We are enjoying being in the U.S. and all the DC area has to offer. But it is hard being a mom studying Chinese. I wish I didn't have to worry about studying over the weekends, but I need to do at least 2 hours/day. When you add in all the activities we're doing, we are crazy busy every weekend.

The good news is that despite my moments of panic and feeling like a wet noodle at the end of every day, I am enjoying myself. I love the musicality of Mandarin. I long for the day when I can speak with some degree of ease!

One day at a time.

My Spanish dilemma

Lately, when I hear my kids speaking Spanish, my heart kind of aches. Since before they were born, it has been my dream for my children to speak fluent Spanish, since I learned Spanish as a teenager (not quite early enough to become truly fluent) and it has been such a joy and a help in my life. They are speaking so beautifully now.

But we are going to China next, and it will be at least 3 years and possibly many more until we return to the region. When we were first assigned to China, I accepted the fact that the kids will likely lose their Spanish. They will only be 5 and 7 when we leave. Everyone tells me they will retain it somewhere and will be able to draw on it when we return to Latin America. I love Latin America and have many dream posts from this region, but the realities of the bid list  and all the other requirements sometimes mean that you end up in unexpected places.

I really want to embrace Mandarin. It's certainly a useful and interesting language. I don't know how we will end up feeling about China, and/or whether we'll want to do another Chinese speaking post, but I want to give it our all. So, the whole family will be taking Mandarin in Virginia (assuming my husband gets into FSI class). I have found a Chinese school and plan to sign the kids up for weekly classes. The Chinese schools in the region seem to be more affordable than the language schools that teach a variety of languages, so that's a plus. I think it's all too easy for FS kids to never really learn the local language, and while I understand it, since school and social life are often in English, I am going to do my best to help them learn.

But that brings me back to Spanish. Can I help them hold onto it somehow? People recommend TV shows and videos in Spanish, but I know that won't work. My kids reject those, even now. I'm not sure I can juggle both Spanish and Chinese classes in VA and in China, but I'm thinking about hiring a native Spanish-speaker to come speak with them for an hour a week. Would that be enough to help them hold onto it? I don't know. But I think I want to try.

Thoughts welcome.

Welcome 160th!!

Yesterday the newest class started: the 160th. Welcome, everyone! It has been great meeting you over the last few days. I wish you a wonderful experience in A-100 and a great career. If I can help with anything, I think you know where to find me!

The welcome reception on Sunday night went off without a hitch. I'm kind of the worrying hostess type, so it was nice to have it all work out so smoothly. And this morning, my fabulous classmates and I escorted all 89 class members to their first official function and had a little breakfast waiting for them there. It was great to hear that welcome speech again on the other side of the mountain and remember how thrilling that moment was, only 3 months ago.

In other news, Spanish is still totally awesome. I'm moving past my reading block and starting to enjoy the puzzle of figuring out what a reading is about. I did great on my first evaluation (in which they measure my progress and decide whether I'm on track to reach my training goal, which I am). My teacher keeps telling me my biggest problems are confidance and nerves. So true, so true.

I still just feel so lucky to be here. Spring is coming. I have a ten minute commute. I am getting paid to learn a language I adore. And soon I'll be off to a beautiful country where I will do a really cool job.

I know so many of you are struggling to keep the hope alive. I never thought I'd make it here. Keep trying. 

plugging along

Well, tonight seems a good night to blog. My husband is working late, my son misbehaved and was sent to bed without any stories, and I've finished all my homework. Of course, I could read a book in Spanish....but I am having a serious block with reading right now. More on that in a minute.

Spanish class continues to be fun and interesting. I just love my Venezuelan teacher, who is incredibly charismatic and energetic. He always has time for our questions and really believes in our potential. Apparently our teachers are changed every 4 weeks so that we don't get used to one accent or teaching style, so I'm just trying to appreciate what I have now. Two students were moved out of our class this week. It has been nice to have more speaking time, but I miss my A-100 classmate D.

I love the grammar review we are doing- I think that I have a pretty good grasp of grammar, but have learned that I have more than a few areas to work on. And while I don't love doing presentations, I know they are good for me. But reading is another story. Give me a nice news article to read and I'm happy. But the more complex readings make me want to run away. They are usually about some intangible, ephemeral thing that I cannot grasp, and it drives me crazy! Give me a good article about public health!

Once upon a time, I used to read Isabel Allende for fun. Now, the idea intimidates me. I got a nice easy book, or so I thought, (De como las muchachas Garcia perdieron el acento), but I can't get past the first page. Since I need to score a 3 in reading as well as writing, I'm going to have to get over this block, but right now, it's very strong. 

On Tuesday we started our weekly Central America and Spanish-speaking Caribbean Area Studies class. There is a big group of students going to the DR- maybe 10 of us, so that will be fun. I wish the director of this course had a little bit of my Spanish teacher's energy, but I am looking forward to learning the history. Unfortunately, it is hard to make myself read a history book on my own, so this requirement will help.

My husband is trying to fit in some time each night for his Spanish distance learning course. It's not easy- he's working long hours again and it's usually the last thing he does at night. So naturally, he's not making a ton of progress and has been a bit frustrated. I remind him that learning a language takes time - like learning an instrument, you have to keep practicing what you've learned. This morning I was drilling him on the basics during breakfast - como se llama, de donde es, donde vive, etc. It was helpful to him and also had my kids riveted. When I turned to M and asked what his name was, he answered in perfect Spanish and grinned when we cheered for him. He used to speak pretty well for a 4 year old, so I hope it will come back quickly.

I was browsing Amazon for good Spanish DVDs or CDs that really teach kids Spanish with a minimum of English- there are so many to choose from and I really don't want to waste my $$. If you know of a quality, entertaining resource that is heavy on Spanish, please let me know! I have Fun Spanish for kids by Beth Manners, but I really find that it has too much English and what it teaches is not that useful.

What else? Life is still busy, but quieter. Tomorrow is Flag Day for my friends in the 159th! Good luck, everyone! And I'm the Welcome Committee co-chair for the 160th, so we're busy making plans.

Looking forward to seeing my aunties this weekend.

A-100, week 2

I have been trying to update this blog for days, but things are kind of chaotic around here. As many have said before me, A-100 is intense. There is homework for upcoming classes, online tests to complete, committee work to do, lots of socializing going on, and of course, the bid list to research, over and over again. And there is, of course, my family. It's fun and exciting, but very busy.

My husband has been totally amazing and I am really grateful to him. He has supported me and put my work first these last few weeks. He has stayed home with first L and then M when they spiked fevers, since missing A-100 is not an option for me. He has talked with me about the bid list non-stop for a week.

The kids are doing very well at FSI daycare. I feel a little left out, since my husband was the one to help them adjust the first 2 days and I don't really know what's going on there (a first for me). Now that I have the lay of the land at FSI, I'm mostly doing drop-off and pick-ups, but my husband helps a lot. I've taken them a few times on the Oakwood shuttle, and they love that. The A-100 schedule is diverse - some days you are at Main State (or start one place and end up at another) or another location downtown, so it's tricky to coordinate kid transportation.

And then of course, there is the bid list. For those who don't know, we received a list of approximately 70 posts. Each one has an ETA, language level required (some have none), and type of job indicated (Political, Economic, Consular, Public Diplomacy, or Management). We have to bid each post high, medium, or low, according to a list of 3 priorities. Here are ours:

1) Family friendly: relatively safe, affordable cost of living, adequate schools
2) Timing: we'd prefer a post that leaves after June, though there are a few irresistible early posts (in many cases, this means I'd be learning a new language, except for the Spanish posts for which I'd get a little more training)
3) Job: I prefer a Consular or Management job

Bidding is really a challenging exercise. I'm glad they ask us to identify our priorities and form a bidding strategy around them, as that practice really does help you flesh out what is important and helps you consider posts you may never have thought about before. Before I joined, I thought of bidding in regions- I'm really going to focus on Latin America, or I'd like to explore East or Southern Africa. But the list required me to think differently, which is why I think I was disappointed at first. The timing and job type really make a difference, and the posts are quite diverse.

Since I received the bump-up points for Spanish, I was automatically scheduled to take the full Spanish test. I scored a 2/2, which means I need about 12 weeks to get to a 3/3, according to FSI. I think this assessment is just right- I need some work, especially in reading comprehension, to get to a 3/3, and I definitely don't want to go to post and be expected to do Pol/Econ work without a better professional grasp of the language. So I look forward to learning more, if applicable.

I also took an informal French assessment (a quick test) and did well enough that they are scheduling me for the full test. That will be painful, as my French is extremely rusty.

There is so much more, but it's late and I need to get some rest. More this weekend, I hope, with photos, too.

CNL or bust?

We heard this week that the January class is going to be small like October, about 60 people (although they sent out a few last-minute offers this week, but it doesn't seem like many- maybe 10?). And rumor has it that the other spring classes may be small as well.

Which all means that I might sit on the cusp, not getting an offer but ripping out my hair every time it's offer time, possibly forever (or until December 2011, when I expire off the register).

So I'm giving a long hard look to getting started on a CNL, most likely Turkish. I'm going to lay out my thought process and would welcome your insight.

Here are the reasons to do it:
- I believe in going after something I want and don't want to find out too late that I should've done it. 
- I only have a year before I expire, so now's the time to get started.
- I am taking the FSOT again and hope to be able to take the OA again in the spring. But it's entirely possible that I won't pass again. Yes, a lot of the OA depends on me, but other portions depend on chance.
- I've always wanted to live in Turkey (though I know nothing about the language).
- I do have a commute of at least 1 hr concentrated time that I could use to study.

Here are the cons/issues:
- Um, time/energy. I handle most of the daily childcare needs while D works long hours. I rise at 5am to make their lunches, leave the house at 720am, and get the final kid in bed by 830/845. At that point, I'm pretty fried. But that would be my only opportunity to spend an hour on Turkish (or, I could go to sleep and get up really really early, which might be more feasible). It's just hard to imagine maintaining this kind of schedule for a year. I'm overwhelmed as it is. I would have to spend a little more time on the weekends, which is hard because I already feel we don't have enough time together as a family. I did it when I was prepping for the OA, but that was only 1-2 mos! Not a year.
- Money. Language learning is expensive. I would take advantage of free options like Live Mocha but I still need to buy some resources and eventually pay for a tutor or a class (or both).
- Immersion. I'd need to find a way to do an immersion of some sort, perhaps summer 2011? Which means more money.

So...yea. Not an easy choice, given my home life. We are pursuing some options that would allow me to quit my job and study language fulltime (although of course, that would mean losing the salary match), but if one of those comes through, it won't be tomorrow.

But I keep coming back to: If I want this job, I have to try harder.

Thoughts welcome.

Isn't there another way?

I've been holding off on blogging until I could say I was either in or out.

I thought for sure we'd hear over the weekend or at the very latest, Monday night. I've been waiting patiently (or anxiously, take your pick) with two friends who have 5.6s and who must be next in line to get an offer. Frankly, if they get in, I'll be just as excited as if it were me! But we heard last night that it will be Wed or Thurs until we hear. I take that to mean that someone (or multiple someones) higher than a 5.6 got added to the register and received an offer, so we have to wait until he/she declines/accepts (if you are that someone and reading this, it would be so nice if you introduced yourself...).

I'm probably 4-5 away from an offer and know in my head that it's not going to happen, but I just can't close this chapter until Pat says it's over.

They really can't come up with a better way to do this?

P.S. In language news, Arabic has been nixed by the B husband. Bummer. I think it's a beautiful language. I'm thinking about Mandarin (his choice, but I am scared I don't have the chops to learn this hard language!), Turkish, and Hindi. But the reality is that I don't have time or energy right now. I think I'm going to focus on getting back into exercising, which will probably be good for both my mental health/obsession issue as well as my physical health. We'll see what happens as the year unfolds.

Let me off, please! I'm getting motion sick!

With the passing of my Spanish test, I was really hoping to get OFF this part of the roller coaster. Yes, I realize that life in the FS is somewhat like a roller coaster, anyway, with intense highs and intense lows and all that. That's one of the reasons I am so attracted to this lifestyle- never a dull moment.

But this applying to the FS roller coaster? Not so fun.

For the May, June, and August classes, I know that they invited people with lower ranks and scores than me. I now have a 5.57 and they invited people with 5.4s and lots of 5.47s and 5.5s. But those people were ranked in the 20s- only 1 or 2 were in the 30s, that I know of (reminder- I'm #30, although that can change daily). So it seems that the Consular register, like all the other registers, is growing very quickly, adding people at the top as well as the bottom.

For those unfamiliar with the FS, training classes are held every 6 weeks or so. Approximately 18-20 people per cone (Consular is my cone) are invited. They start from the top of the list and start inviting until they reach their quota. But a number of people on the list might be unavailable to get a call (we term it "Do not call" status) or might turn it down. So if there are enough DNCs (10-15 or so) on the Con list, I might get an offer for Sept. Or I might not.

Honestly, when I explain this stuff to friends and family, I feel ridiculous. "So does this mean you'll definitely get an offer?" they might ask. A matter of fact question, no?

But my answer, if I'm truthful, is: "Well, yes, if there are a lot of DNCs and they start extending offers soon and not a lot of Pickering fellows choose to join this class, and they authorize the class to start, and they approve the FY11 budget, and pigs don't fall from the sky..."

Seriously, it's absurd. And slightly embarrassing.

Invites for the Sept. class are supposed to go out sometime in July. I'm very, very grateful to be closer to making the cut. But honestly, maybe I won't. It really is a roller coaster.

(one final note. I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog recently and especially yesterday. The support of this community has been so heartwarming. Thank you.)

In shock...

I passed!!

I can't believe it!

I am now 30 out of 129. I'm not sure it will be good enough to get me an offer for Sept, but eventually, it should.

I want to take a moment to thank my mom and pop who nurtured my love of Spanish with not one, but two high school exchange programs to Latin America. Thank you for the gift of bilingualism that you gave me.

Off to review my house to-do list. Thank you everyone for the support!

A new plan

I spent the weekend preparing myself for not passing the test. I truly appreciate all the supportive comments both here and in person, but I like to be realistic, and I really think there's no way.

I'm proud of myself, though, because in just a few weeks, I got my grammar and ease of speaking back up to par. I know if it was based on the first part of the test, or a more normal conversation about life, I would pass. But frankly, I hate abstract conversations in English too. Try to talk to me about spirituality and I will politely ease myself out of the conversation. My downfall was in not preparing for this part. I should have listed 30 abstract topics and made myself discuss them for 5 minutes, first in English, then in Spanish. I got nervous because I wasn't prepared for this part. Next time, I'll be ready.

The truth is that joining a fall A100 class is not great timing, for a few reasons:

1) we would have to scramble insanely to get our house ready to sell within a month. Even the thought is painful. And it probably wouldn't have sold in time, which means I would have moved to VA by myself with the kids, and left my husband behind to keep working in order to afford the mortgage. I know A100 is crazy and I would have been exhausted, but it was the only option, given my husband's insane hours.

2) My boss, a prominent NYC physician, is probably going to move to a new location for the first time in 8 years. Let's just say that my leaving in the middle of it would not have gone over well. She doesn't know anything about the FS (my security investigators were kind enough to interview coworkers instead). As much as I don't like the job or her, I would've felt pretty bad about that.

3) The kids just adjusted to their new daycare. More change so soon would be really hard on them.

So now it's looking like I'll take the test again in December. I'm hearing rumors that hiring may decrease in FY11, so this could get a lot more difficult.

While my mom was here over the weekend, I asked her advice about getting through MORE waiting, especially since the thought of another NY winter makes me so depressed. My mom happens to be a psychologist as well as an awesome mama.

Her main advice was to try to take care of ourselves through this. Find a way to exercise. Eat well. And keep working gradually on my Spanish, rather than waiting until November to gear up again. Ok. I can do these things.

I'm also thinking about going to language school in Central America for a week- I can't believe how cheap language school is! I'm not really sure if I need it or if it would be possible to leave the kids given my husband's schedule, but I think I'll start doing some research. It will give me a break from my obsession with FS. Any recommendations? My Peace Corps volunteer brother is in Nicaragua right now at a language school (yes, it all runs in the family- I'm so proud!) so he'll have the inside scoop for me.

And maybe this fall I'll finally make plans to go cross country skiing after years of wanting to try it....I won't be doing that when I get assigned to San Jose!

It's done. Now I wait.

Well, I am not feeling terribly optimistic about my Spanish test. The first part went great. It was conversational and friendly. We talked about where I'm from, difference between NY and DC, my job, health care reform and the insurance situation, etc. I was feeling good and was using subjunctive and conditional like crazy. I tripped on a few words but otherwise it went great.

Then suddenly the tester asked me to talk about an abstract topic and I just floundered. I just couldn't really define it in English OR Spanish, and frankly, it's not that hard of a topic. I kept saying the same phrases over and over again. I even asked them to give me another topic, and instead they gave me some more ideas of what to talk about. I added a few more sentences/ideas, but was still floundering. The tester then asked me some follow up questions to what I said, and I don't think I answered her fully. I was flustered.

With the way things were going, I was expecting to have the third part of the test, where they ask me to translate into English, but they abruptly ended the test. So that means it was obvious that I was a pass or fail. I'm leaning towards fail.

I'm bummed. But glad I only have to wait about a week to know. And glad I gave it a try, just in case I pulled it off for September.

Thanks everyone for all the support. Tune in next week.

3 more days

Just counting down until my Spanish test on Friday, and trying to temper my dreams of a September A100 with the reality that it could go either way. I might pull it off or I might not. It will be disappointing not to pass, but I'm lucky that I can try again in 6 mos and will obviously know that I need to put more effort into it.

I am lucky that I have language skills to draw on- many of my colleagues with passing scores on the lower end must either start all over from the beginning of the FS process, and hope to get a higher OA score, or learn a brand new, difficult language from scratch in 18 mos. My hat is off to all of them. Honestly, I'm not sure I would score any higher on the OA if I took it again. The case management exercise completely did me in, and I thought my group exercise performance was really strong. I could probably improve the interview portion, but perhaps not. So in my mind, Spanish is the way to go. I'm not far from a 3, I think (hope).

So for now, it's all Spanish, all the time. My sweet husband downloaded these BBC Mundo podcasts for me - thank you honey! I admit that until a few days ago, I did not understand what a podcast was. I'm glad to finally get it, and honestly, it's really cool! I understand about 90% of the news I'm listening to. And since the only reading time I have is on the train, I am printing out articles for my commute, too. I must say there is a lot of interesting stuff happening in the world right now, and it's fun to be so on top of it.

For those who aren't aware, apparently the Spanish phone test (can't speak to other languages) is very focused on world events, so you have to know what's going on in the news and be able to formulate opinions on it. Frankly, I don't know how to combat drug violence in Mexico, and if I did, I probably would be doing something else with my life, but I need to figure out a good 30 second response to questions like that. I realized recently that perhaps the problem isn't necessarily my Spanish, but that I don't really know how I would answer these questions in English. So I'm preparing on all fronts.

That's all for now.

Slowly, slowly doesn't prevent you from getting there...(I hope!)

Sannu, sannu, ba ta hana zuwa. Slowly, slowly, doesn't prevent you from getting there.

This is the first Hausa proverb we were taught in PC language training. And oh how fitting it is- both for language learning and for the FS process.

I am inching closer: received my medical clearance on Monday. So now I'm waiting for that magical snail mail register letter. And then, of course, I wait some more!

Well, actually, in the meantime, I SHOULD be working my you-know-what off for my Spanish exam, but I'm still waiting for the motivation thing to kick in. Any day now. With the help of this self-assessment,  I have realized that I am probably a 2 or a 2+, but I'm hoping to make them believe I'm a 3.

Last night our real estate agent came over to talk about the market, options, and give us a kick in the b--- to start getting our house in order. The house was even messier than usual, which was a bit mortifying, but the bottom line is still that we need to declutter. I think the good news is that the market isn't as terrible as we assumed (but if we sell, it will surely still be below what we paid).

As for decluttering. Um, yes, I knew we had to work on that. B Husband? Need your help here. One working mom vs. one hard-working husband and two preschoolers is an unfair ratio.

So we'll be making some to-do lists, my favorite thing to do! And hopefully actually crossing things off.

But first, for goodness' sake, Bfiles, get off the blogs and start reading some Spanish newspapers or something!!!

Test is scheduled!

After a tip from Short Term Memory  (thank you!) I went ahead and scheduled my Spanish test for June 25. I'm dreaming of landing on the register in time to make a September call. But I'm starting to doubt that will happen. I always thought I'd be the one with the quick clearances, but not so sure anymore.

So I'm going to have to be disciplined about working on my Spanish, despite all the excitement in the B household- visits from grandparents, birthdays, etc. That means more $$ to my Spanish tutor, who is awesome. But I should really start reading Spanish news- I just prefer FS blogs much more!

A happy belated birthday to my sweet husband...

An update

Since I wrote last week about getting serious, I've had two Spanish classes with my tutor and a exchange with an Ecuadorian living in NYC. I've realized that my vocabulary about pretty much anything other than children's sleeping/feeding/napping schedules is really lacking (I speak Spanish with our daycare provider).

I've always been great at grammar, so luckily I don't have to learn any new verb tenses, although I do have to practice working the subjunctive into my conversations. It was a bit of a wake-up call, though, and I realize it may take me a bit longer than I hoped to prepare for the exam.

Of course our laptop chose this week to break down, so skype classes may be postponed while we wait for its long-overdue replacement (my husband is jumping for joy).

So my new goal is to test by the end of June, so that if I get on the register by mid-July, we could have a shot at the Sept. class.

After dreaming of this life for so long, I'm starting to be a little scared. My husband has a point that we'd be giving up a lot. Some posts would be wonderful, others very trying. What if it’s too hard on our marriage? I’ve lived abroad in one of the most difficult environments in the world (Niger), as well as some easier ones (Dominican Republic, Chile, Venezuela) and traveled to many others. He has not done much traveling (although in the last 2 years, he led reporting teams to Saudi Arabia and Colombia and did great) and has never been a huge travel fanatic. I think that living in a country, having your own home and possessions and community, will be quite different from traveling there. But what if it pulls us apart? What if he resents me for pulling him into this lifestyle? Sometimes I think I must be crazy.

Making progress!

Yesterday, I hired a Spanish tutor from Oaxaca who has helped many FS candidates pass the Spanish test. We will speak twice a week on Skype for the next 3 weeks or so. We 'met' last night and I can tell already that she is what I need. She will send me articles that I need to read to prepare for our conversations and in general provide the motivation I was lacking.

I also lined up an informal English/Spanish exchange with a New Yorker and am hoping my best friend from Venezuela will have some time too.

I wish I had done this about 3 weeks ago, because in 2.5 weeks we will be going through lots of change and exciting events- new daycare, M's birthday, visit from a grandma. Then my dad/stepmom come to visit. Ugh. I hope to either feel ready enough before this all happens, or wait until after all the chaos.

Invites for the August class should start in about 2 weeks. I obviously won't make that deadline, highly doubt that I will be cleared by then, but my dream has always been Sept or October. Enjoy the NYC summer, and then get packing. The Sept class starts on the 13th, so offers would start in mid-July. Fingers crossed. Have to pass this test first, though.

Now I really mean it

Three weeks ago, I said I was getting serious about my Spanish. And then I did nothing at all. So much for public accountability.

But now I really mean it. Really. My husband gave me a ray of hope and if I ever get on the register, I'd like to, you know, get OFF the register within a timely manner. And although I'm going to sign up for the FSOT again, the thought of doing it all over makes me a little ill.

So I'm setting up my conversation partners and plan to start this week. Having appointments to speak with people will motivate me to read and listen to news in Spanish.

And if I'm lucky, I'll pass just in time to cancel that FSOT appointment in June. But one step at a time.

Time to focus on Spanish

So it's all still totally up in the air, but I want to take a shot at the Spanish test so that I have a little tiny bit more say over when we start A100 (if we decide to move forward, of course). And a bit more notice- the people in the June class are getting offers now, about 8 weeks before start date! That would really help.

But I'm having trouble motivating to do anything about my Spanish test. I'm not really sure why. I love everything about Spanish, even the grammar! I guess I am just so tired at the end of the day that the thought of sitting down to read online newspapers is not a fun prospect. I'd like to do it on my commute, so maybe I need to get with the 21st century and learn what a podcast is. And I think I'm going to engage some conversation partners to speak with me a few times a week on a set schedule. Luckily, I have two dear Venezuelan friends who will likely be willing. I hear that many people have Venezuelan assessors whose accents they can't understand, so hey- maybe I'll have that going for me. I'd like to find someone else from another country, but don't really want to pay. Maybe I'll try to trade English for Spanish lessons.

I really think with a month of reading the newspapers, watching news, and conversing a few times/week about professional topics, I can pass. My Spanish is pretty strong, but just isn't used much these days (except with my daycare provider).

Alright, I'm writing it down here to publicly state that I'm getting serious. My goal is to test by the end of May.

Tugging at the heart strings

My son M has been in Spanish speaking childcare since he was 4 mos old. He speaks Spanish willingly there, but has always been quite resistant to my speaking it at home or speaking it with anyone but his caregiver. Now that he's older, I know it frustrates him that he can't communicate as well as he can in English.

Last night, he mentioned something about Spanish, and I asked, "wouldn't it be fun to move to Mexico and speak Spanish every day?" You can guess what he replied: "No. I want to stay here in my house. I don't want to speak Spanish all the time."

Now, I know he'll thank me later about the language, so I don't have issues with that. I think it's too early to tell whether he's a kid who has trouble with transition, although I do think he takes a little time to warm up to new people and situations. But still, it does ache a bit to think of doing this to him every few years. It's one of the worries I'm wrestling with as I contemplate this life.